Teaching while on the Spectrum might look like mainlining cocaine or speed
Yet it’s really anxiety-soaked adrenaline pushing daily seven-hour manic states
Come home, crash, weekend cries until the shakes stop but sleep never comes
A decade of internal doubt, of constant failure, fear of being seen as a liability
The job is important. Science must be taught with conviction rivaling zealotry
While a world shuts down borders and free thought, reason and medicine
Threadbare hope, grains of success not measurable during observations
Motivate with all the optimism and joy in the tank, leaving nothing for thyself
2.13.20
It’s been a while but that’s what happens when the 8-to-5 puts you in a panic attack that has you screaming for your wife to call 911 because you’re sure you’re dying and the only way to keep living is to not say the words-
“I don’t exist.”
When you’re that fragile and the thought of going back into a room to do the same job the next day makes you wonder if it isn’t worth it to continue existing, that maybe it’s better if your heart did give out-
”Something has to change.”
It can’t be more of the same, this career isn’t for me anymore. Maybe it’s an impossible job. We lose teachers midway through the year, they just walk out the door and don’t come back and I stay, thinking-
”Why am I envious?”
So it’s time. I’ve never been more scared, anxious, or afraid of what’s to come because I simply don’t know where I belong in the working world. I want to write, I know that, and I work daily, but it’s still just a dream-
”What do I do now?”
Job applications are going in for things outside my current career, things I think I can do and do well. It’ll take time for things to fall into place and thank the universe for my blessed wife who is endlessly supportive-
”We’ll figure it out together.”
I know I’m not the only one and it hurts. My mentor went to the hospital thinking he had a heart attack, it was anxiety as well. Everyone is afraid of what is going to happen day in and day out and that’s no way to work-
”This is happening everywhere.”
How do we sound the alarm, that something is seriously wrong with schools, students, and the relationships between parents, administrators, and teachers? No one listens and it seems like it can only get worse-
”Until the pendulum swings.”
I know what I think the answers are, and I firmly believe education is the most important career anyone can pursue, but at the same time, one of my former kids told me I’m why she’s going into teaching-
”Oh God no, don’t do that.”
I’ve got former students, now in college, that come by because they’re working through serious trauma and somehow this household is a safe space for them. My wife, a former victim of abuse, is amazing-
”We’ll get through this.”
To fix education? We’d need a drastic change of understanding. The popular mentality is to provide excellent customer service like we’re selling a Buick or a set of stainless steel knives.
”The customer is not always right.”
But who dares to tell the people in charge that education is like healthcare. There’s going to be hard news that has to be told. Sometimes the medicine is brutal, and sometimes the patients don’t make it-
”But the truth is harder than lies.”
Until that realization takes hold nationwide, education will be a broken system, with solutions that only break it further by treating the symptoms and not the cause because we can’t say things like-
”You have to be a better parent.”
”You have to say no.”
”You have to let consequences play out.”
But who wants to hear that? I want to say it because it’s what needs to be said, not because it’s easy, but because it’s right and true and the more we placate, the worse things get.
”I just want to see you succeed.”
And I just want to succeed but I don’t think I can do it here. The question is where, how, when? And will I make it long enough to find that joy again?
”The hard phone calls tomorrow.”
One to a parent to own my mistakes, one to a therapist to set up an appointment. And one to a psychiatrist to start attacking this lifelong anxiety and sadness that I can’t seem to shake free from.
”It’s time to change, and that starts with me.”
If I can’t change the world, I can at least try to change me. There’s a Writer’s Conference in May to prep for. At least I’ll start putting myself out there. It’s time to come out of that cocoon of anonymity and find out-
”Do I have anything to offer?”
11.27.19
A kid told me about her thoughts
Sometimes they’re dark and scary
Days she didn’t want to keep going
Yet she found the bravery to tell her mother
She’s starting therapy and told me first
I’m a burned-out teacher but at least
That’s one thing I can find pride in
The one time I made a difference