editing

5.4.20 - #coronavirus2020 VIII

I miss my wife. I hate it when she’s gone.
Sounds like the lines of a country-western song.
She’s on the road with the girl, again. I’m alone
On the couch, eating feelings and worrying about
All that might go wrong. Even the dog is gone.
Before she left, she hugged me tight and whispered,
“I promise to keep this marriage safe.”
Even though I don’t want to, I wonder,
The inner demons start to play
I worry that she’d rather be in other company
Though she’s the one who begged me to stay.
I want to believe her so bad, I need to
What other choice do I have?
I love her, let her lie, let her go, live a lie?
We hope for something better to grow
Dressed the wounds and sank down below
Layers of sheets and tree, fog and breeze
Even if it hurts, even if it’s the worst outcome
Of a million ways I can see our story going
At least for me, it was worth it to know
Love deep enough to get hurt, live through it
Do no wrong, try to pass no judgment
Tell them you love them, though the hurt shows
Be a better man, do the best you can
Let them know you love them, every time they go.

Anyone else scared out of their mind about how bad it’s gonna be by June? Asian killer bees, a likely explosion of pandemic cases in Georgia. People out like everything’s fine, not wearing masks. In a few weeks… Jesus. It worries me. Seems like the worst possible sci-fi plot.

I think my money is now on “Rushed Vaccine Causes Zombification,” at this point. Or we go to war with China over the lie of who manufactured the virus? That puts the Red Dawn scenario at play. But I’m lucky, able to arm-chair speculate from the relative safety of a back porch. Crickets are in the background. Some people aren’t so lucky. The virus is ravaging minorities at a savagely disproportionate rate, evidence of a medical system in need of desperate and complete reform.

Maybe it’s the fatalist in me, but I’m trying to make sure I tell my family I love them. Even when things hurt. Even when they hurt.

3.30.20 - #corona2020 V

Is there anyone sleeping well anymore?
Either the brain is rolling a thousand miles
An hour, in the haunted still of night
Or the walls are too tight and we’re desperate for daylight
I don’t remember the last time I laid my head down
And felt rested the next morning, renewed
We’re sitting on our hands, trying to pass the time
Reflecting on all our mistakes, all the lies

It’s been hard to be productive. I’ve gotten the job done, now thankful that I have a steady income when one out of five has filed for unemployment, including J. Trying to do yoga in the sunroom followed by elliptical bands and the recumbent bike lying in the garage, just to move a little during the week. Hoping I can find a bit of drive to really edit GR and work on the Robyn story. Need something to do, to feel useful.

J seems to have gotten L to a place where she’s a little more stable. We’re still a long way from out of the woods yet, but every day is a won day. Even when the world outside is falling into a recession unlike anything ever seen in modern history, due to a viral pandemic and a political narrative out of a Michael Chrichton novel. D is coughing less, thankfully we don’t think anyone has COVID but since there’s still not a real chance of us getting tested in our current condition, we’re just riding out the storm.

Thankful for little moments, like D winning at Cards Against Humanity. Chasing Janeway in the backyard. Playing Diablo with J at three in the morning, dancing in the living room during dinner.

3.22.20 - #corona2020 III

The nights are hardest
Fighting sleep feeds the beasts
While we refuse to eat
Love yourself, the message repeats

First full week of social distancing and things haven’t really changed in here. The house still echoes with raspy, barking coughs. My brother was sent home from work on Friday because of it, even though the doctor thinks its bronchitis. It’s not clear if he’ll be asked to leave again Monday. He doesn’t get worse but doesn’t get better. Meanwhile, my wife’s company completely shut down. She is filing for unemployment tomorrow. There’s a lot of questions about how we’ll manage. We’ll figure it out and we’re lucky that at least my job seems stable. But who knows what will happen in the long run, how long this will take.

It’s not like I went out a lot anyway. I’ve been a homebody and I’m okay with that. But I lost the gym mid-week, and tomorrow I’ll try to start using the yoga mat in the morning. Elastic bands should be coming Tuesday, and maybe that’ll help.

Meanwhile, J has been keeping L from the ledge and it hasn’t been easy. If we can get her through this horrible anniversary on top of everything else happening, maybe she’ll be okay. It won’t ever be easy for her, but if J can come back from what she went through, then anything is possible. I’m not sure if it’s helped or hurt that we’ve all been forced to seemingly pause our lives. Maybe… maybe for them to work on their demons, having time to actually reflect and grieve will be more beneficial. But right now, all they can do is shake and cry when the flashbacks are loud. They need to sleep, but they’re afraid of it. If I’d been through what they’d been through, I’d be afraid of sleep too. I just wish I knew how to help.